1988 - Directed by Sandor Stern
 Starring David Hewlett, Cynthia Preston, Terry O’Quinn, Bronwen Mantel, Patricia Collins and John Pyper-Ferguson

 This was one of the few films that I’d always read about in the past that I’d never run across anywhere, so when I found it on Netfux Instant Watch, I figured I had to give it a look.  What I can report is that virtually everything about this movie is just batshit crazy, but it’s still strangely watchable.

 First of all, we have Dr. Linden (O’Quinn), who plays puzzling math-oriented games with his kids each night before bed, teaches them life lessons via a life sized medical doll named Pin, who he uses to personify his ventriloquism.  It’s not as though the doll’s lips move, he just assigns a personality to Pin which his kids interact with, it’s creepy.  We also watch as son Leon spies dear old dad talking to Pin (!), the kids’ mom (Mantel) is a neatfreak who nitpicks the kids about how much of a mess they make. Oh yeah,  and later Leon also sees a nurse in dad’s office using the doll for her own sexual pleasure, which makes me wonder what kind of fucking doctor’s office they’re running here?  Don’t they have a break room? Yeesh.

 Dr. Linden gives the kids the birds and the bees chat after mom catches them with a girls magazine, but since this family is insane, he uses Pin to give the actual talk.  After lots of talk of ‘urges’ and ‘needs’ during the spiel, sister Ursula later tells her brother “I can’t wait ‘til I get the need; I think I’m really gonna like it!” Possibly the most mortifying statement one could hear coming out of their 10 yr old daughter, and it made me choke on my beverage when I heard it.

 We reconnect with the kids when Leon (Hewlett) is 17 and little Ursula (Preston) is now aged 15 and does indeed “really like it!”, hence the graphitti scrawled across Leon’s locker about what a slut his sister is.  He drags her out of a car with some dude, beats the hell out of the guy, and threatens to disown her if she doesn’t straighten out. Can a brother disown you? I figured that’d be more of a parental call…anyway….

 Ursula comes to Leon shortly afterward telling him that she thinks she’s pregnant, so her 17 yr old (!) brother suggests that they go to Pin for advice, even though he won’t usually talk to them unless dad’s around.  Leon is of the mind that if it’s important enough that Pin will respond, which is of course simply insane and Ursula should know better, but because this is the weirdest family ever she goes along with it.  Pin does indeed respond, which startles Ursula, but she realizes that it’s Leon doing the voice.  ‘Pin’ then advises them to come clean with their father.  Dr. Linden performs an abortion on his own daughter, even encouraging Leon to stick around and observe, again, because they’re the weirdest family ever. Leon declines for no discernible reason, y’know, in for a penny, in for a pound with all the craziness, but he balks at assisting in his sister’s abortion?  Really? The abortion is where you draw the line, you freakshow? 

 Sorry.

 Leon and dear old dad clash because he’s not interested in going away for college, but wants to stay locally, presumably to hang with his buddy Pin and be a housebound weirdo. 

 Dr. Linden later stops in at his office late at night, where he hears Leon speaking to Pin.  He sends the boy home and takes the doll away with him to make certain that Leon won’t be tempted to come back.  Made late by his distraction at the office, Dr. Linden drives like a madman to reach a speaking engagement that he and the wife are en route to, but finds himself distracted by Pin sitting in his back seat and wrecks the car, killing them both.

 The kids’ Aunt Dorothy (Collins) decides that she’ll move in with them to look after things, but Pin and Leon conspire to get her out of the house ASAP, which (again) should be the a huge sign to Ursula that Leon’s slightly off his rocker at the very best, but she continues to ignore the powder keg brewing in her home.  I mean she bitches a little bit when Leon has started dressing Pin in Dr. Linden’s clothing, but that’s about it. 

 Ursula takes a job at the library, which is a nice distraction from the nightmare gathering steam at home.  The bonus is that she meets a guy named Stan (Pyper-Fergusen) while working there, who takes a bit of an interest in her.  This is a development that neither Leon, nor his buddy Pin likes one bit.  Is there any doubt in your mind where this is going?

 I can’t say anything in the film really surprised me once I realized what an extraordinarily fucked up family unit we were dealing with, but the reveals along the way that scream “Get professional help!!!” make for some interesting viewing, that’s for sure.  I mean, if I knew that I had a 17 yr old son (!) who thought the fucking doll I used to speak to him with was still the one doing the talking, I’d start locking that little bastard’s bedroom door from the outside while I slept, lest he slit my throat in the dead of night.

 I’m glad I finally got a chance to check this little sleeper out, it’s a fun watch and worth tracking down.

 Give it a rental.

6/10